A last diary by W. N. P. Barbellion 1889-1919

By W. N. P. Barbellion 1889-1919

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L. it xxviii LIFE AND CHARACTER was Amundsen not Scott (as he nonchalantly assumed) who got to the Pole first. . " You ask for my dyspepsia in a way which, my dear, good lad, I cannot resist. Well, it has been bad, damned bad. There you are ! I have been in hell without the energy to lift up mine eyes. The first twenty-five years of my life have chased me up and down the keyboard. I have been to the top and to the bottom, very happy and very miserable. But don't think I am whining—I prefer a life which is a hunt, and an adventure rather than a study in still life.

Dear woman, what agony of mind, and what happiness you give me. To think of you alone struggling against the world, and you are not strong, you want a protector, someone's strong arm. But we are happy, these few weeks — I record it because it's so strange. I am deeply in love and long to have something so as to sacrifice it all with a passion, with a vehemence of self-abnegation. August 15th, 1918. — The Bishops are very preocupied just now in justifying the ways of God to man. I presume it an even harder task to justify the ways of man to God.

I expect I'm wrong, and I am past hammering out what is right. I must anaesthetise thought and accept without comment. My mind is in an agony of muddle, not only about this world but the next. ). In the tempest of misery of the past three weeks, this fact at odd intervals has shone out like a bar of stormy white light. By September I anticipate a climax as a set-off to the achievement of my book. Perhaps, like Semele, I shall perish in the lightning I long for! My dear E. has had a nervous breakdown —her despairing words haunt me.

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